You are not your greatest success, nor your worst failure. You are the discipline and ethic you maintain all the time in between.

​

So when Aesop wrote "The Grasshopper and the Ant," he really meant the Greek and the German, and you know that's just bloody racist.

My New Year's resolutions this year are to gain weight and start smoking.

Happy New Year!
I said that last year, too, and we all know how that turned out. So take it with a grain of salt!

People who live in wooden houses should not throw flaming spears.

I want to found a lower school named "Elementary: My Dear Watson"

​

I want to open a bagel shop named "Winnie Bagel"

Maybe if an asteroid hits the earth, we will reminisce about the days of Coronapocalypse.

If you were the evil genius who built a 100 ft tall robot to terrorize the city, wouldn't you give it at least 3 or 4 legs so the inevitable good robot couldn't knock it down?

God grant me the courage to change the things I can, the strength to SMASH the things I cannot, and the wisdom to know the difference, or else I'll end up with lots of smashed things.

I've always wanted to know:

how did that Jabba the Hutt make his first million? Was he leaner and more nimble then?

I hate it when customer service says, "is there anything else i can help you with?" when they didn't help you with a damn thing.
By something else, you mean something other than what i called you about? The weather report maybe? Tomorrow's winning horse at Aqueduct?

With palates that don't discriminate against anti-freeze and their own poop,  how challenging can it be to make "tasty" dog food?

I'm extremely adept at tying knitted items around my neck.
Just call me: Scarf Ace.